I once told myself that I surround myself with respectable people, whom I love and respect as well. Yet thinking things over, the road I’ve followed and the people I’ve welcomed and allowed to have great influence over me are really not nor should not be at the plane of high respect I’ve placed them in. Somewhere down the line, my world of absolution and cleanliness converged with this world of sin and mis-perception and deceit. There was never really a presence of delineation between these two worlds; it was a matter of recognizing that this ‘other’ world was masked by my selective and idealistic eyes. I stood upon this world all along, but I only showed myself the specific things I wanted to see.
Now, this hasn’t always been the case. I am no fool to the darkness of reality. I know there exists flaws and inconsistencies, and to some degree I’ve accepted that. I’ve even allowed, at times, to submerge myself into the dark. Still, I’m impressed with guilt as I continually realize and pain over the fact that I know whatever I’m doing is immoral and wrong. None of us are perfect, true. But we shouldn’t hinder ourselves from striving to be the best ‘us.’ I shouldn’t be resisting my urges to reject sin and immorality.
Then I question, What constitutes the ‘best’ of somebody? What shapes somebody’s idea of their best self? Is it their morals and values?
Starting from the beginning, having moral support from friends and family, I believe, are crucial entities in becoming who I want to become, the best ‘me’. But if I surround myself with people who I do not necessarily share the same morals with, what do I do? Do I drop these people, despite the fact that I love and care for them very much? Being surrounded by them, I’m more evidently exposed to sin and immoral doings are much more prevalent and accessible. Do these people, who I believe are some of my closest friends, actually know my personal beliefs, most especially, my religious beliefs? Yes, I am not the best Christian-Catholic, but I still deeply respect my religion and love God. I have nothing against Him ..while they seem to do.
But then I stop and think: how rational would it be for me to drop these people out of my lives? To suddenly say, “hey, you’re a bad influence. We must discontinue our friendship.” Its ridiculous and very much so irrational. Though at times, their immoral behavior can get the best of my judgment, I realize that their actions and decisions should not dictate my friendship with that person. If that person treats me right, respects me, cares for me, and loves me, then there is no reason to drop the friendship. Ultimately, its about the quality of that friend. And these people are amazing friends to me and have been faithful all along. Thus, I’ve concluded I need to simply expand my groups of friends, find that moral support I need to succeed and achieve the best ‘me’. Otherwise, I can only expect to continue down the road I’m in and not see any improvement in myself.
But doing such a thing takes effort and time -two things I definitely am already lacking in. And I know, I’m going to lose myself a little bit more before I ever grow stronger and gain a greater sense of self.
The way I see it, life has a main highway that directly leads to the “destination”, and along this highway exists many roads that branch off of it. Usually, people never follow down the main highway -they make pit stops at other roads, or take multiple detours. They find themselves back onto that main road at the most random times, but never stay for too long. Next thing they know, they find themselves lost. Typically lost for long periods of time, too. And that’s where I am. I’m lost, I have a destination in mind, but I don’t have directions. And it will take me detours and pit stops and whatever else to finally find my way back to that main highway. And I am convicted in the belief that I will get to my destination one day. And that may not be today or tomorrow, or in a week, or even in a year, but I know I’ll get there.
